Recently, I came to the end of myself. After decades of trying (and not knowing how to try) communicating (and not knowing how to communicate) in my relationship, I found myself broken and alone. The cycle I had been in for decades (with no resolution) was killing me. I needed a lifeline so to speak. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout my life. This was different. I was literally at the end. Sometimes life feels like one catastrophe after another. Much of which you endure alone. You might share some, but many of us don’t like to share for a variety of reasons. Some may find it helpful to talk, but many of us just find it too painful so we endure. And enduring takes us to dark places. I can appreciate sentiments meant to help us cope and endure, but for many of us who are just tired (cannot go on any longer tired) sentiment doesn’t help. Sometimes we reach a breaking point. I reached a breaking point and made a series of decisions. Whether these decisions were good or bad would be a matter of perspective. Have you ever reached the end of yourself? If not, you don’t know what decisions you’re capable of making. It’s best not to judge because one day it’ll be you. Just when you say, I’d never do that…you’d be surprised.
Our decisions have consequences. Sometimes we can’t see to the other side even when we’re someone who actually does well to always see through the other side. When you reach the end of yourself, it feels like someone else has taken over entirely.
Right or wrong. There are some things we can’t ever take back. The consequences you face may simply be the worst pain you’ve felt after some of the happiest moments of your life. Moments when you felt seen, heard…visible. Believed you had worth. Felt like you were enough. Began imagining again…dreaming, believing…everything you never thought possible. Even if the means to achieving happiness is all a facade, the means can be a powerful drug. Eventually drugs destroy us or we have to go through the pain of withdrawal.
It is what it is. When you get to the other side, some things just require acceptance.
Do your best not to re-live and re-think past mistakes, but do consider the lessons learned.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Good and bad decisions are part of our journey. Part of our story. You can find the good in everything—-even in our pain.